This morning

I was on my phone in the dark when a spider crawled on me. I was wearing a silk head scarf and the fan was blowing so at first I couldn’t differentiate the sensation until I felt something race to my chest. Thankfully had my flashlight and looked down to see a spider small but still big enough for its legs to wrap around a finger.

I was oddly calm. Managed to get it off. But when I hurried to turn on the light and look for something to eliminate it, it disappeared.

You want to know what’s crazier? I once found a grey spider three times it’s size chilling next to my thigh behind me once. Of course I screamed and it shot across the room in seconds. You know those long legged fast moving ones. Gunned it down with my water flosser before my mom finished it off with a broom when it escaped into the kitchen.

I think I am getting desensitized to spiders. They always come into my room and choose to try me at night or in the early morning. I always feel reluctant to kill them these days but its like this room ain’t big enough for the two of us you know?

I know spiders aren’t hostile and that’s probably why I kept my calm and waited for it to crawl off this time but the thought of it coming back and biting me in my sleep left me paranoid.

It was a brown spider and it doesn’t exactly look like a brown recluse but how could I remember exactly anyway?

I was praying for something and after looking up the meaning of the spider again I feel like I got an indirect answer. I think I keep getting the same answer, its just a matter of me to continue pressing on and executing it. Sometimes you get so caught up trying to be productive you don’t make time for the soul.

“The spider spirit animal reminds you that good things happen for those who wait. While we live in an immediate gratification culture, the spider reminds us that patience and self-governance are how we create and get what we want in life.”

I also watched a sermon touching on the same subject of culture. What are the odds?

Everytime I look up the reading of a spider it means many things. It said something specifically about it being a good thing if you stop freaking out and not kill it instinctively and I never thought I would get to that level but I kind of did today.

I don’t believe in spirit animals but I do believe often when I pray God sends me spiders/bugs, but mostly spiders. It doesn’t matter where I am come night time a spider is always trying to pull up on me. I usually catch them speeding into my room or chilling next to me, never had one run across me that is a first.

In the past I had prayed wanting to be close to God and the person preaching told me to go outside the church and knock, and keep knocking and to watch what I say because my words have power. Now he continues to send me spiders as they essentially mean to be patient. But jot only that spiders are said to be good at manifesting. I have also noticed that I seem to manifest things myself. Which is why I need to watch my feelings and emotions and especially what I say and think.

Vocal media

Vocal is a site where authors earn money gradually from the views of readers.

I wrote an “article” it’s more like personal thoughts.

Writing and finish writing a book is hard to do these days, so why not try to do what I can by taking baby steps.

On vocal you can also apply for writing competitions the highest you can ususally earn is 5000 or so.

If any of you are interested in writing competitions you should check out good novel as well. Romantic stories, with werewolf and vampire love especially is popular. I’ve long out grown my love for the occult so it’s not my cup of tea but still… I’ve been thinking of pushing myself to write outside of my comfort zone.

https://vocal.media/geeks/cinderella-and-the-four-knights

Please check out my work! Your views is enough, even if you don’t completely read it and just scroll down that’s still something.

Times I wish I was alone

When a parent tells you to do something you were going to do anyway it’s the worst feeling in the world.

Your thought and intention to do so no longer feels independent nor as respectable as before. It seems as if you never had the thought to do so. And you can’t help but feeling incredibly miserable inside, wishing parents could just be seen and not heard.

Times like these I always wish I was alone so I didn’t have to experience that feeling of someone encroaching on my life, thoughts and actions.

It’s immature, I know.

Another School Dream

Today I dreamt, I was taking out the trash in the school hallways, walking into other classes and occasionally using the bathroom- I even had to pee.

Quoting from the site, https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/taking–out–the–trash

Taking out the trash is apparently good thing as I’m getting rid of unproductive thoughts.

With my new job, I was nervous. There were even some moments that made me stressed out because I worked hard only to burn out early and then get scolded.

I then realized that I shouldn’t work so hard. Just pay attention. If there’s something I need to do when I have the time, I should do it.

Sure enough the day I told myself this I had this dream. It seems my soul approves.

An Earthquake in Kokoro

Even if you know something will hurt you if you don’t do it, that doesn’t make you willing to do it, especially if you know the process will also be painful.

I had comforted myself with the words that the relationship wasn’t worth having. Because he wasn’t a person capable of self reflection.

Because he had made me feel how others made me feel in my life, like my words held no weight and were swept aside. Even though I didn’t expect anything from him, I did not expect him to be similar to those people.

I can not help being born, and everyone around me being able to sense that I am naive or incompetent, due to inexperience.

But… when you have someone else who treats you like that… a family member…

You want to keep distance because you can’t handle feeling that way.

Like that you steel yourself to live like this, until someone pecks and pecks at you saying that it’s wrong. And they don’t like the way you’re treating them.

Apparently silence for a parent is a hurtful thing.

An Earthquake in my Kokoro, started from pecks. And as I tried to think about how I felt, I started shaking and recognized.

“Ah, I’m getting emotional.”

I reinforced myself with the thought of trying to get close wasn’t possible because of the way they were. These thoughts solidified and cemented.

Barely able to speak, because I wasn’t willing to bawl, I tried to give myself time to cool off before talking again.

Even though I myself, wasn’t sad. The subject turned out to be an unconscious sore spot.

It can’t be helped that I’m always written off as dumb because some how people are always able to sense my innocence… and write it off as ignorance…

I shrugged it off, that feeling sometimes, but that feeling of insignificance must’ve been the very first grain of sand of that mountain of insecurity.

It’s why… tolerating Mom and Dad… drained me. My patience with others is a lot higher. But with them, it’s non-existent.

Why?

How?

I don’t know what to say to him at this point, how should I get close? Totally different interests… don’t like small talk…

The circle of life

Some people change their diet for health reasons. Maybe they can’t eat a certain ingredient anymore, or trying to lose weight or improve their skin.

Fine.

But the situation about the pity towards eating animals…

It’s a double edged sword. If they’re not being raised well, I can sympathize with that, I wouldn’t want to support that sort of farm either. Animals deserve happiness.

But if you were to tell me not to eat something just because you pity it… you do realize out there in the wild there are animals out there getting hunted by predators, dying every day, some of them get old and die by themselves and are probably fertilizing the ground as we speak.

Dream of a Cabbage Spirit is a short story, I wrote on amazon sort of commentating on that. You may have seen me screaming at yall to buy in my past posts. I apologize, I’m new to this business, I’ve never had a mentor or anyone to give me guidance before. So if I make a mistake please forgive me. Anyways,

Many will resort to eating plants as if plants aren’t living creatures that can’t feel pain. Plants grow, they wither, they die. They react to the environment, they’re definitely alive, but who’s to say they can’t feel just because we can’t hear them?

At the end of the day, no matter what you eat, you are killing something. Make no mistake.

That’s how this world works. And even if we don’t do the killing it’s going to die at some point regardless because the world was made that way. Life and Death. The seasons.

Originally the book was at $4.99 but I bumped it up to $6.99, so far it’s only been purchased four times. Once by my older sister and her co-worker, by a cousin, and for free by someone else in the past. You can also buy it for free but if you want to support me feel free to buy it.

Edit: Bumped it down to $2.99 after seeing what other authors charge for their books.

Even if you buy it for free please leave a review. Help the short read gain some presence on amazon.

As I later realized it that you still can’t even find it when you type in the title on amazon, but you can find it with my name so I decided to leave the link here down below.

Breaking Glass

I broke my favorite glass bowl I eat out of in my dream.

This pic is from journey into dreams.com

In my dream I was trying to protect myself.

I finally got a job… According to this sight it would seem I feel a sense of urgency.

When I calculated how much money I would make with this job based off my schedule… I realized how naive I was.

In my past job in college I only kept making $200 but thats because I didn’t have time to work much.

With this new job even though pay may be same if I work most of the week, I realized I should make over $400

Unless I’m getting paid lower than minimum wage…

It made me think I can finally buy everything I always needed for myself and wanted.

Still haven’t gotten paid yet…

At my job I’m as old as the manager.

And because I work often some days I don’t have much time to myself. Oddly I feel more inspired now that I’m active.

Going on youtube and stuff, I realized I can’t do that anymore because it takes up time…and I mean, I don’t miss it since I always looked to YouTube when I was bored.

I know I’ll have to leave this job someday because of it(not having much time during days), but I’d like to still be there for at least more than 3 months.

I wonder if I’ll last that long.

Once again I’m met with the problem that is my soft voice. I never disliked it but I think it annoys some.

Being 23 and having a childish voice…having nothing going on in your life…there is some shame there that makes me self conscious. And I feel the need to not talk about myself.

I feel an urgency to mature and start enjoying life more. But I’m not trying to conform, I just… Wanna be able to do the thungs I always wanted now.

Breaking Glass

I broke my favorite glass bowl I eat out of in my dream.

This pic is from journey into dreams.com

In my dream I was trying to protect myself.

I finally got a job… According to this sight it would seem I feel a sense of urgency.

When I calculated how much money I would make with this job based off my schedule… I realized how naive I was.

In my past job in college I only kept making $200 but thats because I didn’t have time to work much.

With this new job even though pay may be same if I work most of the week, I realized I should make over $400

Unless I’m getting paid lower than minimum wage…

It made me think I can finally buy everything I always needed for myself and wanted.

Still haven’t gotten paid yet…

At my job I’m as old as the manager.

And because I work often some days I don’t have much time to myself. Oddly I feel more inspired now that I’m active.

Going on youtube and stuff, I realized I can’t do that anymore because it takes up time…and I mean, I don’t miss it since I always looked to YouTube when I was bored.

I know I’ll have to leave this job someday because of it(not having much time during days), but I’d like to still be there for at least more than 3 months.

I wonder if I’ll last that long.

Once again I’m met with the problem that is my soft voice. I never disliked it but I think it annoys some.

Being 23 and having a childish voice…having nothing going on in your life…there is some shame there that makes me self conscious. And I feel the need to not talk about myself.

I feel an urgency to mature and start enjoying life more. But I’m not trying to conform, I just… Wanna be able to do the thungs I always wanted now.

A bird

A bird came inside but on its way out crashed into the window and passed out. I witnessed this with a Japanese exchange student and he carried the bird outside on a newspaper to the outdoor caf tables.

I didn’t know what to do and asked those working at the student caf what to do since it wasn’t waking up.

They told me they could call animal control. I thought it was weird but in that situation wouldn’t know what to do. When I got out to tell the boy, the bird must have recovered got up and flew off.

He thanked me for my help even though I didn’t do anything. It was be who stayed at its side and waited with it until it became conscious.

Even after years have passed it still stays on my mine. Some countries are truly kind and polite, that kindness is ingrained and passed on in their children.

Sometimes I feel that connecting with people is hard, because my small talk is ineffective, either no one hears me and its awkward or I feel as if its a waste of time if someone were to ask me those questions and prefer not to do the same.

I’m 23 years old yet I just recently got a job that pays minimum wage.

The black hole that was living with my Mom who doesn’t work and gets by on her disability…her lofty plans to make businesses, investing all that money in only to never do anything because at the end of the day she doesn’t know what she’s doing…

I wish. I reflect on my life and feel bad, I think “if” maybe I would have been able to save the money I had instead of spending it on bills and groceries. If I spend too much time thinking “if” I’d just become resentful. Towards her and myself.

The numerology told me I would have no one to help me in my line of work and its true. Sometimes I fear what lies ahead in my future. I want to move out someday, make enough and customize my own place and live comfortably and independently.

Thank you for what I have now… People say not to look at other people but when you’re as old as the manager who has two kids when everyone else is younger, it makes me regret telling others my age and want to find another place to work. But right now I need it.

*sighs*